


think i know

by myeonkais



Series: nahulog na (tayong dalawa) [11]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Developing Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 22:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30011835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myeonkais/pseuds/myeonkais
Summary: It freaks you out.You’re a hapkido master. You're into extreme sports (scuba diving, to be specific, pero hindi raw ito counted sabi ni jongin na takot lumangoy). But when you look at him, when you kiss him, heck, even when you touch him, it freaks you out more than it should.Si Chanyeol ‘to, for fuck's sake. That’s the weirdest part in this situation. Si Chanyeol lang naman ‘to.—or: nag-o-overthink na naman si baekhyun byun.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Series: nahulog na (tayong dalawa) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1467406
Kudos: 11





	think i know

**Author's Note:**

> sinubukan ko lang ulit na magsulat ng isang Second Person POV fic after five years lol. i missed writing in this POV at chanbaek pa ang napagtripan ko so...yeah. ito ang alay ko ngayon :)
> 
> idk if this makes sense lol. hope you still enjoy this one!
> 
> title from a banna harbera song.

It freaks you out.

You’re a hapkido master. You're into extreme sports (scuba diving, to be specific, pero hindi raw ito counted sabi ni jongin na takot lumangoy). But when you look at him, when you kiss him, heck, even when you touch him, it freaks you out more than it should. 

Si Chanyeol, for fuck's sake. That’s the weirdest part in this situation. Si Chanyeol lang naman ‘to.

Si Chanyeol na nakilala mo 16 years ago, noong Grade 6, na lagi mong kalaban sa Spelling Quiz Bee hanggang grumaduate kayo ng high school (he's always the first place, and this fact stings to this day). Si Chanyeol na umagaw ng class president position sa 'yo noong 2nd year high school, si Chanyeol na inagawan mo ng Leadership Award noong graduation. Si Chanyeol na kaisa-isang naglakas loob na isayaw ka noong Prom, senior year.

Si Chanyeol na sinundan ka hanggang Los Baños (pero pag siya ang tinanong mo, _ikaw_ daw ang sumunod sa kanya) kahit na kayang-kaya niyang magpalipat sa Diliman. Si Chanyeol na naging sandalan mo buong college kahit sinabi mong magmo-move on ka from your high school life (na isang malaking kalokohan dahil ang mga kaibigan mo noong high school pa rin ang mga pinakatotoo mong kaibigan hanggang ngayon), na tinulungan ka sa thesis data gathering, nagproofread ng manuscript (kaya may isang paragraph siya sa acknowledgement mo). Si Chanyeol na hindi ka iniwan kapag lasing ka sa Elbi Square o sa Jacques, si Chanyeol na laging sinisipat ang lahat ng nanligaw at naging boyfriend mo noong college. 

Si Chanyeol na unti-unting naging bahagi ng buhay mo noon pa lang. 

Si Chanyeol na unti-unti mong minahal sa simula pa lang.

At himala, after all these years, kaya ka rin pala niyang mahalin.

Pero siyempre, ikaw si Baekhyun Byun, ayaw mong maniwala. Napaka-imposibleng mahalin ka rin ng taong mahal mo, lalo na si _Chanyeol_. 

Hindi naman sa nagdududa ka sa kakayahan ni Chanyeol na magmahal ng ibang tao. He has the biggest and kindest heart, but that’s the biggest problem here. Sa sobrang dami niyang pagmamahal na kayang ibigay, ilang beses na siyang nasaktan _at_ nanakit. Okay lang sa kanya na kunin ng iba angn pagmamahal niya kahit wala siyang nakukuha pabalik. Binigay niya ang lahat hanggang sa mawalan siya ng pag-ibig para sa sarili, hanggang sa tuluyan siyang binago ng mga kabiguang ito. It took him years to recover, years to find himself again, and now...this. He’s suddenly ready to love again, and this time, it’s with _you_ , of all people.

Si Chanyeol ang isa sa patunay na kahit gaano ka ka-talino, ka-successful sa buhay at sa career, magiging bobo ka sa pag-ibig. 

((akala mo makakaligtas ka? isa ka rin sa mga taong ‘yon.))

But it's just - sometimes you catch him with this vulnerability that shocks the hell out of you. Hindi naman sa iniisip mong walang pakiramdam si Chanyeol, ha. He’s Chanyeol Park, he’s perfect for fuck’s sakes– but it's those times that remind you that he's flawed. Just as broken as you are. That he’s scared to do this all over again, this time with _you_.

(Overthinking Point No. 1: You could fix each other.)

But the what-ifs freak you out even more. What if you did fix each other? Happily ever after na ba ‘yon? Habangbuhay na kayong masaya? Hanggang kailan kayo magiging masaya?

Paano kung sinubukan niyo nga pero hindi rin mag-work out sa dulo? And then you would lose him. Forever. Ang kaisa-isang taong nakakaintindi sa ‘yo, down to your every last bad habit and weird fear and childish thought. Losing him would devastate you (you don't know what you would do. one thing’s for sure: hindi mo kayayanin kung ang taong tumulong na buuin ang sarili mo ang siya ring sisira nito sa dulo. kung kailan mahal mo na siya. kung kailan hindi mo kakayanin na mawala siya. ). 

(Overthinking Point No. 2: He could drop out of your life if anything went bad. Because that’s his _thing_ . He’s a good person but sometimes, he just bolts out whenever things are too much for him. And people say you’re _too much_ sometimes.)

You chain-smoke in the shower sometimes (Minseok hates it but he props the bathroom window open and cleans up after you leave), just thinking about the possibilities. You use up all the hot water too quickly and you are still damp with confusion, indecisiveness, _fear_ . When Chanyeol looks at you sometimes with one of those sideways glances that you read too much (read: too little) into, you feel open, feels like maybe you could - both of you _could_ \- and then it is all gone down the drain, spiraling and tumbling down a massive system of pipes, cold and rusty, that remind you of his flaws, your flaws, of why this could never ever work in a universe quite so uniquely fucked up.

(Overthinking Point No. 3: You would either be tremendously happy or fuck each other up worse.)

Oo, natatakot ka sa rami ng options na pwedeng mangyari. Pero kung magiging totoo ka lang sa sarili mo (and you are _never_ honest with yourself, learned to block that part of your brain off after mong magpaalipin sa mga korporasyon na pinagtrabahunan mo), what he says, does, how he looks at you, for Christ's sake, makes your body tingle. God, just the way Chanyeol smiles—you have to hold yourself back from pulling him by his collar and yanking him towards your bedroom.

((and sometimes you didn’t stop yourself from doing that. and neither did he.))

So when you find yourself in the apartment facing a year's supply of his favorite noodle snack in your pantry and enough Post-its to write little reminders to stick on the fridge door for the next decade or so, you know. And it makes your heart beat a little bit faster. But when you look up into his face, it's there again, the gripping fear, the panic, beyond the pounding heart and the promise of _"I love you"_ and _"We could make this work."_ Because you already went through this, already tried to date guys who just showed up and told you they loved you. And that didn't work well (every single time) and you are not sure if it would work here.

((but _god_ , you badly want this to work, to _last_. you want chanyeol to be your last. siguro naman pwedeng pagbigyan ito ng universe? kahit ngayon lang?))

"I haven’t had ramen in awhile. Gusto mo ba?" tanong mo kay Chanyeol after ka niyang sunduin sa trabaho. Himalang hindi kayo overtime on a Friday night.

"Yeah."

"May sinuggest sa ‘kin si Minseok sa may Poblacion, masarap daw. Tara?"

"Sure," he says, flashing a tired smile, "Gusto ko rin ng gyoza. Haven’t had that in awhile."

“Lakad na lang tayo, ha? Napagod ako sa kauupo maghapon.”

He nods. “Is this a foreshadowing na magpapabuhat ka sa ‘kin mamaya pabalik dito?”

“Is this a foreshadowing na tatanggihan mo ako pag nagpabuhat ako sa ‘yo mamaya?”

“Hmmm…” He pretends to think about it for a moment. “Malamang hindi. Busog ako, eh.” But the small, fond grin on his lips says otherwise. 

_Of course, bubuhatin ka niya,_ you think, shaking your head. _He loves you, Baekhyun. He won’t say no._

The four letter word still catches you off guard in this context, because _Chanyeol_ loves _you_ back now, your days of one-sided longing all gone, and you feel like you are in grade six all over again—all _kilig_ and ignoring all the red flags and chucking them out just as fast. But it's not a game you're playing here - you know that but you still can't stop engaging, can't stop, can't can't _can't_.

((because it's _chanyeol_ , of course. you waited for so long to have this, _him_. you will never let this go.))

And when you're walking down the bustling streets of Makati, you say something stupid. "You have a cigarette?"

To your surprise, he nods. He fishes in his jacket pocket, takes one, hands the pack to you. You light it, take a long drag and exhale (the baggage, you hope - the weight, the fear, the weariness) the smoke. 

((sa kanya mo nakuha ang bad habit na ‘to, 3rd year college. kakatapos niyo lang sa mga long exam na ilang araw niyong pinagpuyatan na ibabagsak niyo lang din pala. he gave you a stick, insisted to take a short drag, and smiled when you did.

_putangina ka ang baga ko,_ reklamo mo habang umuubo. _ba’t mo ba sinisira ang katawan mo dyan, ha?_

he laughed. _wala lang, pampamanhid._

_ah, talaga?_

_tsaka pampalipas ennui_. he grinned, staring at you with glee, waiting for something to _click_.

and it took you a moment to get it. _ennui_ , you repeated, smiling back. _grade six spelling bee. natalo mo ako dahil sa lecheng ennui na ‘yan. bwisit._

_can i tell you a secret?_

_ano ‘yon?_

_i hated joining spelling bees. mas gusto ko pa sumali sa HEKASI quiz bees noon._

this was news to you. akala mo paborito ni chanyeol ang spelling. heck, siya nga ang laging nagchi-checkout ng spelling dictionary sa library niyo noon. puro _chanyeol park_ ang nakasulat sa library card ng nasabing dictionary. _eh? wag ka nga. lagi kang first place tapos ayaw mo!? niloloko mo lang ata ako eh._

_oo nga._

_eh bakit ka sumali dati? nakakainis naman ‘to, eh! sana binalato mo na lang sa ‘kin ‘yung spelling!!!_

_dahil sa ‘yo._

you paused. siya naman, inubos muna ang stick ng yosi bago ulit nagsalita. _i joined because of you,_ he added.

_but why?_

his lips broke into a smile you haven’t seen before. it’s heartbreaking and lovely all at once, and it creeped into your heart so fast and brutal. he’s so beautiful, so broken, and you want him.

_i wanted you to notice me,_ was all he said.

_mapapansin naman kita kahit hindi ka sumali sa spelling bee, eh._

he laughed. _malabo ‘yon. kaya nga nagpapansin ako._

_pakitang gilas ka lang, gano’n?_

_but it worked, right? you’re here, i’m here. ennui did this._

_mali ka,_ you said sharply, catching him off guard. _i would’ve noticed you, chanyeol._

_how?_

_i just know_.

_because_ _i love you, that’s why,_ you thought as you stared at his smiling face. _you didn’t have to do anything. i just do._

you started smoking after that. you never ditched the habit since.))

"God," you whisper, closing your eyes in case your tears start to fall. "I love you."

His smile is tight and your heart makes your head hurt but it's all for the best (really, it is, you think, or maybe it's just the smoke clouding your judgment - no, no, you did the _right_ thing).

((you love him. you really _really_ do. he needs to hear this from you. he won’t run away. you don’t have to be scared. fuck the what-ifs. for once stop overthinking your feelings and let yourself just _feel,_ baekhyun.))

You don’t wait for him to say it back. You don’t expect him to say _it_ back. You can wait for a little more. Don’t forget he’s shit scared of this, too. 

You ditch your cigarette into the street when you get to the restaurant. He holds the door open for you as he shares the meeting he had earlier that day. You listen, smiling, letting go of all the burden just this once.

Outside the light rain starts falling, putting out the embers in the street.

**Author's Note:**

> Dumadaldal din ako sa Twitter [**@myeonofilm**](https://twitter.com/myeonofilm) at pwede rin kayong magsubmit ng prompts sa [**Curiouscat**](https://curiouscat.me/myeonkais).
> 
> maraming salamat! :)


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